I'll Take Another One

~My Miracle~

I knew I was playing with fire when I bought her a bottle of wine as a present for Valentine's Day, but at the time I wouldn't have admitted it. I had a split second thought that I shouldn't even be on the wine aisle, but just as quickly as it entered my mind I ignored it. She was my best friend, and I wanted my gift to be special. Of course there were chocolates and a card that accompanied the bottle, but the cool part of the gift - I thought - was the part where I was proving to myself that I was through the lifelong nightmare of being addicted to alcohol and could show myself and the world that I could purchase wine but not drink it, like it was a newly acquired talent or trick that I could now perform. It also seemed like the perfect opportunity to "show off" what God had done. It was a real moment for me. This new stage I was performing on was exciting, and I was the star of the show.

It had been ten days since My Miracle, and I still wasn't drinking. That's how I referred to it, My Miracle - when God delivered me from my 30 year stupor. And now here I was purchasing wine with no intent to drink it. Man, did I feel powerful and in control! The feeling was ironically intoxicating. And I loved it. Buying wine with no intention of drinking it was my new super power.

~The Plan~

The intoxicating feeling continued for weeks. I didn't try to stop it either. I knew that what had happened to me was amazing, and I wanted more experiences just like it. So almost exactly one month after My Miracle, I devised a plan to make another miracle happen: I would fast for healing. I had learned about fasting in church and had also heard first-hand accounts from friends who had fasted and been healed, and I wanted this to be my time. At 17 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis, and over the years it's caused multiple physical hindrances and manifestations that have been super uncomfortable and painful, and I wanted freedom from it. All of it.

My plan was perfect: I would fast for one week - Sunday, March 6 to Saturday, March 12, no food, only water and tea. I was going to pray three times a day and ask for healing, not workout or run, wear my Garmin watch, count my steps, or weigh myself. I wanted my requests for healing to be very specific, so specific in fact that I called my chiropractor and asked him to send me a list of literally everything that was wrong with my spine, medical terminology and all. I told him not to sugar coat it or leave anything out. He did, and all at once I had everything I needed to turn this plan into a miracle. This was serious; I meant business with this plan.

I made it halfway through Wednesday. Three forty-five to be exact. I was so hungry that eating was literally all I could think about. Next thing I knew I found myself in the chips aisle at Kroger, reasoning with myself, sneaking some logic into my idiot plan, God will understand if I make myself some nachos. It's not that big a deal; at least I'm not drinking. Plus, I had actually heard from Him the previous night when I prayed. I told God that I didn't know if I was doing the plan right and that the previous day had been the most difficult for me. Work had been difficult, talking to people, walking the dogs. All I had wanted to do was to lay down and rest and not do anything. It had been a real struggle for me, and I didn't understand why. I thought that if I'd prayed and said that only He could sustain me then I wouldn't tire from hunger. After saying all that, He said to me, "I will lift you up in due time." I said ok and thought it was super cool He got back with me.

I knew it was Him speaking to me and not my ego because I knew that what I heard was part of a Bible verse, but I couldn't yet quote scripture from memory. I had to look it up to be certain of which verse it was. Google revealed it was 1 Peter 5:5-7, "...God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (NIV). At the time I read more into the lifting up part of the scripture than I did the part about Him opposing the proud. I hadn't figured out my weakness yet or the real reason the plan had failed.

I proceeded to eat away my fast that day and simultaneously let go of my prayers for healing, almost as if I couldn't ask God for something if I was going to be eating. Ridiculous, I know. I knew I had failed, but I continued to hold onto the fact that I had made it almost 4 full days. Again, it was a real moment for me, accentuated by the fact that I didn't have alcohol with my nachos or with any meal. I was still giddy about my previous Miracle and only felt like I'd halfway failed at the well-thought out next one.

~I Can Handle It~

The dive I took back into the deep end of junk food preceded the downhill spiral on which I was about to go aboard. On my next trip to the store I proved once again I could avoid the wine aisle despite getting the familiar junk food that had always accompanied it. The next trip, the same. I was growing accustomed to these moments I was creating for myself and feeling pumped about how good I was at staying away from the forbidden aisle. I could've added this to my repertoire of super powers, but it didn't last long enough. I was growing bored of junk food, having with it nothing fun to wash it down. It alone did not provide the same escape as when I was drinking. I still needed my escape.

Eventually my super power started to wane, and I found myself in the forbidden aisle reminiscing. Looking up at the small boxes of wine on the top shelf, I thought I usually get a bottle; this is half that amount - it'll be fine; I'll just start over tomorrow. I can handle it. The one small box that evening made it possible for 3 more that week. Those boxes then made it possible to start buying bottles again the following week. Then the bottles turned into an everyday occasion just as before. I was right back to where I started before My Miracle.

In the following weeks I felt like I was going crazy. Bad crazy, not good crazy - literally out of control and distanced from God. I didn't like it or understand why I was feeling it. But there I was, drinking everyday again and coping as I always had since I was 18 years old. It was official - I had ruined My Miracle.

~It's Called Pride, Baby Girl~

So much for super powers, I thought. I felt like a failure in the biggest way possible. I was so disappointed and needed to talk this out with someone who could give me some real insight into what I had done. I went to my Spiritual Mama. She's that friend that everyone needs in their life, that friend that's far more mature than you and knows the ins and outs of being in relationship with the Lord. After listening to my story of the wreckage of My Miracle, she smiled and said to me, "We don't get to dictate to God how we want things to go. It's all in His timing. When God delivered you from drinking it was His gift to you. At some point every gift must be used. He was carrying you through it the first time, but now it’s time to use your gift and choose Him over drinking if you want to stop again. You have to do it by choice and without overestimating your own strength. Jesus knew you would fail the test even before you tried because you didn’t rely on Him in your critical hour. That’s why your plan didn't work. It's called pride, Baby Girl."  

She went on to say that it was time to let go of pride. It must be surrendered by humbling ourselves in our attitude toward God and to surrender trying to do anything through our own strength. We experience pride in two forms: one, when we're puffed up thinking we are doing well and are strong - me when God delivered me. And two, when we're downcast, waddling in our sorrow for our weakness and inability to follow through on what we know is right - me when I failed at letting go of drinking after my plan. I had experienced pride in its fullness.

I took that insight and began grasping the lesson on pride and on surrendering. I knew she was right; she always was when it came to matters involving a relationship with the Lord. At first the advice made me regret ever attempting the fast because I was doing so well before it; I would've never messed up had I not attempted it, never failed, never let myself down. But then I realized I think I needed it to happen, maybe because I was doing so well. I had to choose to get out of God's way by not drinking and by letting Him still be in control so that He could do the work in me that He needed to do.

~A New Beginning~

I finally surrendered my drinking, and my new sober date became April 25, 2022. I've spent the last 2 years of my life sober, though not completely. Between that date and today there have been 7 accounts that I've had alcohol. Some of them included small boxes, some bottles, some 2 bottles. The thing that I noticed with each account was that I had to lay aside my trust in God in order to pick up the glass and drink. It wasn’t a good feeling, and I mostly didn’t enjoy it. It felt wrong, like a rebellion, a betrayal even. 

The new beginning to my imperfect sobriety was altogether different from the first beginning because I chose to let go. That might be obvious to some, but to me it was an epiphany. I can't say I'm proud of myself for doing it because that's not what I feel. Pride I think is something a person feels when she’s accomplished something, maybe on her own or maybe with someone. Rather, gratitude is what I feel because to me it's what a person feels when she knows she’s been blessed with something, like a gift. I'm grateful I'm not drinking any more, even more grateful for the lesson in trusting God. I'm not drinking because I trust Him. Both are choices, both equally important. But one is absolutely dependent upon the other. I can't have both as my super powers, so I choose the one that gives me power instead of the power itself.